Finally – finally – the UFC is back this weekend after a three week absence. We might complain about oversaturation from time to time, we might not always enjoy it or even want it, but when it’s gone, we crave it. I’m pretty sure there’s a word for that. I think it might begin with an A. Anyway, to celebrate the return of the leading organisation in MMA, let’s talk nicknames – the real important shit.

Thiago Alves

Yes, Thiago Alves is still fighting. And NO, he does not yet have a good nickname. It might be a little late in the day to change Alves’ nickname. The 36 year-old is in the twilight of the twilight of his career, and I don’t think a good nickname change will wind the clock back. But, for the sake of posterity, we should be wiping the “Pitbull” moniker from the history books. I say we stage a vote to see who the one true Pitbull shall be.

Here’s the thing, there are plenty of other cool dogs: German Shepherds, Rottweilers, Huskies, Ridgebacks. Plenty of choice. There’s no need to adhere to a rigid philosophy on tough dogs. For instance, my girlfriend’s spaniel can be a massive cunt if wound up enough. Take your pick Thiago, and get back to me when you’ve decided.

Aspen Ladd

Aspen Ladd is a tough nut to crack (unless you’re Germaine De Randamie that is). The quiet, unassuming 24-year-old doesn’t say a lot, unless she’s in full mount and beating the ever loving piss out of her opponent, in which case you can’t shut her up. Unfortunately, one thing she is known for is her weight issues. She doesn’t always see the right number when she steps on the scales, and if she does make the weight, it’s usually with convulsions and a towel. This leaves me with a dilemma.

In England, “Lad” is a common term, but I’m sure most Americans know it means “boy” or “young man”. (I’m not sure of that, but I had to get that exposition in there. You’re welcome. I’m basically Aaron Sorkin). The word is often prefixed with an adjective of some kind. For example, my girlfriend’s father once described me as a “good lad”. This is significant because – I’m told – this is about as glowing as his compliments get. He didn’t say this to my face granted, but I’m sure he had tears in his eyes and his voice cracked as he spoke the words.

So we have a ready made nickname there, but a darkness seeps to the surface. You see, I was chubby as a youngster. You could even go so far as to call me “fat” if you were that way inclined. I’ll warn you though, I will cry. I was frequently referred to as a “big lad” by adults, including my parents, but I don’t think about that ever. Do you see my problem? Basically, this is a Mass Effect style moral choice and I refuse to participate. I’m the narrator, you’re the player. You make the decision.

Ben Rothwell

I’ve been following MMA religiously for a few years now, and I still don’t have a fucking clue what Ben Rothwell is. Is he good? Is he bad? Is he OK? I’ve been informed that right now there is not a man on this planet that can stop him inside that octagon, and only politics can slow him. I’m still awaiting confirmation on this matter. His Wikipedia page states “Big Ben” as his nickname, but, well, no. Jon Anik has taken to calling him the “King of Nova Scotia” and while that sounds impressive, I don’t actually know where Nova Scotia is, its population size or what its key industries are, so that’s moot.

One thing I do know, is that Mr. Rothwell can cut some mad shapes in the cage. After knocking out Alistair Overeem (lol whut!?) he did a little jig. Just a little one, but everything changed on that day. So, Ben Rothwell, I christen thee, Ben “Mad Shapes” Rothwell. Use it wisely.

Alistair Overeem

Alistair Overeem is pretty good, and a lot of fun in the cage. So, I’ve thought of a pretty good, fun nickname, with no agenda at all. Alistair “The real, legitimate, undisputed, lineal heavyweight champion of the world. Stipe tapped, he felt it, and we all saw it” Overeem. Just a bit of fun guys.

Jairzinho Rozenstruik

Jairzinho Rozenstruik (I only had to change tabs three times to get the spelling correct) is a different case. I believe Rozenstruik has a perfect nickname, and it should never change, ever. Why am I wasting time writing this then? “I thought this was about fighters who needed new nicknames, not who already had good nicknames. What the hell!? I’m writing to my local MP” You might say. We’re innovating over here on Stipe Tapped these days. There isn’t a website on this planet that stop us on the internet. Only politics can slow us.

Jairzinho Rozenstruik’s nickname is “Bigi Boy”. That’s it: “Bigi Boy”. I’m assuming it just means “Big Boy”. I don’t know. Maybe it doesn’t. The mystery is enthralling. He is a big boy, most definitely, but what does the extra “i” do? Is it a cultural thing? I don’t care to find out. It makes me believe we can get to Mars and I love it. Maybe if I had been called “Bigi Boy” growing up instead of “big lad” I wouldn’t be sitting here writing drivel like this. I’m not bitter at all.