THE NEWS

Florida Man Fails Drug Test Then Loses Pet Cougar in Suburban Neighborhood

Talk about a rough couple of days.

After being pulled from his scheduled heavyweight bout in Chicago with Oleksandr Usyk for a failed drug test, it seems Swedish fighter Tyrone Sprong might have some more pressing issues at hand according to the South Florida Sun Sentinel.

State prosecutors have filed 23 criminal charges against heavyweight boxing champion Tyrone Spong over the escape of an “extremely dangerous” cougar into a suburban South Florida neighborhood.

The 60-pound cat showed up in Parkland in northwest Broward County last January, making residents nervous as it sunbathed on a driveway and hopped a fence into a backyard. Wildlife officers subdued it with a tranquilizer and took it to a licensed wildlife facility. Although initially underweight, it made a full recovery.

First off, I will never understand people desiring to own a man eating cat. But then again, I will also never understand the Florida Man.

The former star kickboxer with over 100 fights under his belt has taken the boxing world by storm since 2015 with a perfect 14-0 record (13 knockouts). His record, alongside the massive power he possesses, managed to earn him a much anticipated matchup with one of the pound for pound best Oleksandr Usyk; until a report came in this week that he failed a drug test and was removed from the bout.

Now imagine thinking that being pulled from the biggest boxing match of your career is the worst part of your week. I can almost see it perfectly…

Sprong gets home to relax and enjoy some of the finest Boca Rotan weather, all the while Eddie Hearn and the suits sort out the drug test debacle. Wanting to be alone during this time, he decides to enjoy a nice beverage near the beach with the rich person’s equivalent to a man’s best friend, his pet cougar.

After getting his beverage, I’d have to guess a nice Punsch or heavy Filmjölk given he will no longer need to be cutting weight, the sad Swedish heavyweight paces through his mansion to his exotic pet room.

The developers of the house, as well as his closest peers, warned Tyrong that keeping exotic deadly animals without proper paperwork, other than being illegal, was very very stupid. What’s even dumber? Not keeping the giant cat caged up properly. I can almost hear the “Skit Knulla” as he gets closer and closer to the cage only to realize his sweet little Mr. Whiskers has decided to hit the road in search of humans to eat (Swedish curse words are awesome).

In a sheer panic he calls his manager to inform him his beloved, gentle cat has gotten out. The conversation probably went something like this.

“Jag har dåliga nyheter .. ja, mer dåliga nyheter. Mr. Whiskers är borta! Vad gör vi?” – Sprong

“Yo… what do you mean he’s gone..” – manager

“Jag tyckte om en ny punsch och jag tog honom. Han kom ut ur buren! Han kunde vara var som helst! Vem kommer att fånga mössen!” – Sprong

“Mice? Who’s going to catch the mice? Tyrong we told you to get a normal cat for that. Jesus Christ.” – manager

Anyway, Mr. Whiskers now will have a much better life while his former owner faces 23 charges and jail time. Just another day in Florida I suppose.

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