Last week was a pretty dead card, but luckily this week features UFC 241, maybe the best card of the year. With some greats fighters, come an opportunity for yours truly to impotently make fun of people and label them with stupid nicknames that no one remembers. Life’s good!

Paulo Costa

I’m not gay, but I can respect a specimen of Paulo Costa’s pedigree. He looks like the finished product. I don’t mean as a fighter, I mean as a human. I won’t let my girlfriend in the room while I’m watching 241 in fear she sees what is actually possible for a human to look like.

I’ll apologise for this before I say it, because I know how inflammatory this man is in the MMA community. As far as “Big Brown” Brendan Schaub goes, I’m not one to give him credit. But, he did bring the term “dimepiece” to my attention. (Big Brown is a bad nickname for a Caucasian man BTW). Whether you like it or not, it applies here. “The Eraser” is a great nickname, for an ice cold assassin from the Soviet Union, not a musclebound model from Brazil. Paulo “Dimepiece” Costa will be the UFC’s Rick Rude, showing all the women in attendance what a real man looks like. I’m not gay I swear.

Raphael Assuncao

Raphael Assuncao is an incredibly skilled fighter. He fights very well, and wins often. He’s a great striker, grappler, and he seems like a very nice chap. That’s about as far as the praise for Assuncao can go. As much as I respect his abilities, he’s a thoroughly uninteresting fighter, and the casual fan in attendance will likely tune out when he graces the almighty octagon. I think they need a little warning before he fights, so Brucey Buffbuff can add the nickname the “Workman” to his customary preamble. Sorry Raphael.

Derek Brunson

I audibly laughed when I thought of this one, sat alone on my sofa. It’s easy, simple and accurate. I have nothing against Derek Brunson, but I think sometimes he could do with fighting with a little – just a little bit of technique, instead of running at his opponent and hoping something happens when he gets to them. Derek “Bum-rush” Brunson will be as such until his fighting style changes.

Stipe Miocic

Sometimes low hanging fruit is indeed the most delicious, and Uncle Joey has planted the seed for a Stipe Miocic nickname (that’s the fucking seed!). But, I can’t bring myself to do it. Joey Diaz losing his shit that one time about UFC and talking about Stipe’s “Immigrant Mentality” will forever be my favourite JRE moment, but I’m a creative. Let me create yo.

Miocic doesn’t currently have a nickname, and that may have something to do with his lack of expression. He doesn’t say a lot, and when he does, well… You know. I like Stipe, but I gotta do it to you homie. I christen him Stipe “The Riddler” Miocic, because no one can understand a fucking word you say mate.

Daniel Cormier

DC is just a Dad isn’t he. Like, he just is. He’s such a Dad it’s unreal. Corny sense of humour? Check. Trousers yanked up to his nipples? Check. Dad bod? Double check. He truly is the daddest man on the planet. Whilst that is fantastic, it’s a bit of a mouthful, and doesn’t sound very threatening, unless you’re terrified of Dads.

How do you make a completely non-threatening nickname threatening? Simple; translate it into Spanish. Just like Gilbert Melendez’s nickname is “the boy”. Garbage, but say it in Spanish – “El Nino” – all of a sudden I’m scared for my life. (Yes I know “El Nino” is actually a reference to a chaotic weather pattern but that doesn’t serve my purpose so shut the fuck up). DC could just be “the Dad”, or, he could be “El Padre” – Daniel “El Padre” Cormier. Badass as fuck.