Shevchenko vs Carmouche 2

UFC Shevchenko vs Carmouche 2: 5 Fighters Who Need New Nicknames

It would be easy to dump on this card, but if you look at with your nerdiest eye (mine’s the right) then you’ll find some interesting little gems. The UFC debut of french heavyweight prospect Cyril Gane and juicy BJJ boy Rodolfo Vieira are something to look forward to, and there’s plenty to discuss in their match ups…for someone else; here’s some nicknames from me.

Gilbert Burns

I’m having a lazy day – for a change – and my acerbic wit and alliterative genius are on battery saver mode. I always say this in my head anyway, because I’m a child: “Gilburns”. That’s it, “Gilburns.”

You’re welcome.

Alexey Kunchenko

Alexey Kunchenko has the eyes of an undead serial killer on bath salts, whose wife has just cheated on him with his brother, whom two years prior faked his own death to screw Alexey out of a large sum of money. What I’m trying to say is that he’s pretty mean looking.

If you were to mess with him in a bar whilst drunk, hopefully your sober friend would advice to rethink your beef. “Kunchenko yourself, before you wreck yourself”, he might say.

*Leans back in chair and cracks fingers. (“Still got it”)

Volkan Oezdimir

I like Dominick Reyes, but awarding him the decision over Volkan in March, is the most egregious robbery I’ve ever witnessed with my eyeballs in real life. And I once saw an actual bank robbery. Everyone seems to have forgotten about it, and while Reyes is facing former world champions in main events, Oezdimir is filler on C-grade cards.

Granted, “No Time” is a good nickname, but everyone – and I mean EVERYONE – needs to be reminded of that injustice. Volkan “I Did Not Lose to Dominick Reyes” Oezdimir should do it. He should also take on a Chris Jericho, WCW conspiracy theorist style gimmick. He’ll be a fan favourite in no time.

Mike Perry

You think this would be easy, but I’m actually having a hard time with this one. Mike Perry is a ridiculous man, and my cup runneth over with subject matter. Yet, I find myself bereft of ideas. Puzzling. What is Mike Perry known for?

Well, he may in fact be better at getting away with saying the N-word than actually fighting. To be honest, I’m way more interested in watching him say the N-word, and somehow get away with it, than I am in watching him fight, and that’s saying something. While “Platinum” sounds good, it is ultimately meaningless. There is nothing “platinum” about Mike Perry.

Let’s face it, Perry wouldn’t be in this spot, if he wasn’t such a bizarre character. The most hilarious aspect of his persona is his blacker than most black guys aesthetic. As such, I present to you Mike “Chocolate Croissant” Perry. Turns out there are very few foods that are white on the outside and black on the inside.

Liz Carmouche

I could not pick Liz Carmouche out of a line up. If you asked me to describe her, even basically, I would stare at you, blank-faced, at a total loss. I know she is a woman, that’s about it. However, Valentina Shevchenko already has a dope nickname -“Bullet” – so I find myself having to tackle her opponent. It’s a tough job, but someone’s gotta do it. Actually, no. No one has to do this. This was my idea, and I continue to do it, week in and week out, with no prompting. I need a new life.

Luckily, Carmouche is an interesting surname. It goes perfectly with one of modern culture’s most prominent touchstones. Liz Carmouche “Carmouche, Can You Do the Fandango. Thunderbolts and Lightning, Very Very Frightening”. Depending on what mood Brucington Buffington is in, he can do as much of the song as he likes.

That’s that. Hey, this is a thin card. Get your own website if you don’t like it. Just you wait until UFC 241 next week if you doubt me.