Stipe Staff: 10 Befitting Punishments For Jon Jones

He’s only gone and done it again! Our boi Jon Jones has landed in the fresh shit once again, this time for (per the police report): ‘Slapping a Vagina’ in a local Albuquerque strip club. Jones; a well known religious nut, undefeated human cock-fighter (Kinda) and frequent cocaine user, has denied the allegations made against him (Insert Nate Diaz – I’m not surprised motherfucker gif) and doesn’t seem fazed at all by the breaking news.

StipeTapped HQ learnt of the allegations this morning but we were too busy (lazy) to post and share the breaking story on our site, but thankfully we were on-scene to spread some of the dankest memes conjured up due to the incident.

This is most certainly not Jones first run in with the law nor will it be his last if history is to dictate his future. So what is it that will change Jones and make him an actual better person? The judicial system and frequent combative fans seemingly haven’t affected Jones one bit, so we at the StipeTapped world underground HQ sat down to discuss some befitting punishments that we believe would change Jones for the better.

Emeric Daité:

Go to Prison

Riley Woodford:

Must do a three hour sit-down interview with Luke Thomas and answer all questions honestly

Mark Morgan:

He can only wear clown shoes, high heels or a clown outfit form now on

Must sit through an entire Tyron Woodley recording session

Shane McGinley:

Must fight Francis Ngannou with one hand tied behind his back

Wyatt Lerner:

He must have his eyebrows constantly shaved

Desmond Madden:

He must be forced to fight the entire flyweight division in one night

Will be tasered twice a day every day for a year by the stripper he assaulted

Ciro Crispino:

He must take 10 paddle slaps to the arse from DCs wife

Tom Kilmister:

Must grease his feet before each fight so he’s always slipping