After a short break week because I literally forgot there was even a card until the day of, we’re back with arguably Stipe Tapped’s most tedious recurring feature. You can tell me you’re fed up with my self-deprecating humour until you’re blue in the face but my self-loathing trousers have deep, deep pockets.

Sam Alvey

The Mr Rogers act is fooling no one, “Smilin” Sam Alvey is creepy! I don’t trust him, and neither should you. If there’s anything years of pro-wrestling fandom has taught me (and you’d be surprised how much it taught me) it’s that a heel turn is always imminent. First he will be “Sinister” Sam Alvey, before becoming full blown “Serial Killer” Sam Alvey. We’ll have a new drawl B.

Alexander Hernandez

Until Alexander “The Great” Hernandez redeems himself in the eyes of the fans, he will be the guy who Cowboy taught a valuable lesson too. So until he can complete his character rehabilitation he shall be Alexander “Spanked” Hernandez. That’s the price you pay to play the game, I’m afraid I don’t make the rules.

James Vick

Everyone’s favourite lanky lightweight with a shaved head is back this week after coming off two straight losses. We’ll all remember Gaethje knocking this man until the middle of next century; thinking about it makes me giddy. That has nothing to do with the nickname I’m picking, I just like pointing out that. “The Texecutioner” would be a perfectly serviceable nickname if Vick wasn’t a decisionating point fighter. I think “Loyd Irvin’s Favourite Son” would likely do a better job of hooking the audience member in, and we’re in need of a heel to root against.

Greg Hardy

A lot could happen in this paragraph, and I for one have no idea what that will be, even as I type this very sentence. I only know that while I am no coward, I am not here to phone it in, so I’ll be leaving the obvious choices in the bin. I’m going simple, so simple I dare say it could even be considered genius. Greg “The Bastard” Hardy is sleek, elegant and syllabically efficient; and I do believe it does it’s job.

Leon Edwards

If I had a pound for every fighter nicknamed “Rocky”, I don’t know how much I’d have, but it wouldn’t be worth it. Yes, we all like the Rocky films, but get your shit together. It’s 2019, we should expect more from people. Nicknaming yourself “Rocky” it should be illegal, and I don’t just mean in the sport, I mean you should go to prison for attempting to do so.

I don’t demand the highest level of creativity from everyone, but I expect a certain societal standard clearly higher than what we have established. I am seething as I write this. As punishment for the transgression, Leon will now sport the nickname, “May Actually Be Too Technical To Make Any Money”. It is not so much cruel and unusual as it is, unfortunately, accurate.