You’re back on the most redundant section of the interwebs. UFC 239 is upon us, and a lot of the attention here in the UK is directed towards the accessibility of this card, or lack thereof. You see, even if you pay for BT Sport – the channel housing all UFC events over here – you will need to fork out a little extra on PPV for UFC 239. Yeah, fuck that, hard.

In celebration of no one in their right mind buying this card in the UK, here’s an article about fighters who need new nicknames. Yes I know that segue doesn’t work but I’m writing this before work and I can’t be arsed.

Arnold Allen

Allen’s current nickname, “Almighty”, is pretty good, but of course, we can do better. Well, I can. You’re just reading this. You know how Irish fighter’s get the prefix “Irish? Joseph Duffy, for example. Well, I say we attach “English” to Allen’s name. I don’t think that’s ever been done before, and now is as good a time as any. “English” Arnold Allen is the most English looking man alive. Let him represent.

Claudia Gadelha

As a die hard MMA fan and Brazilian Jiu Jitsu practitioner, I owe a lot to our friends over in Brazil, but they are dog shit at nicknaming things. Claudia Gadelha’s current nickname is “Claudinha” which literally just means her name is Claudia and she is small… BRILLIANT!

I think we can represent the woman a little better. How about “Juicy Fruit”? She’s great and unique at first, then quickly fades and produces the same bland flavour as everything else. Too harsh? Eh, no one reads my shit anyway.

Michael Chiesa

I kind of feel bad about picking on Chiesa here. He is an easy target, but frankly Maverick makes no sense. He’s never done everything Maverick like, unless you count missing weight, but that would make 70% of the roster mavericks.

Unfortunately for Michael, his name fits perfectly with an incident involving Kevin Lee. To quote the Motown Phenom, “That boy really do love his Momma”. So, Michael “Momma’s Boy” Chiesa, good luck at 170.

Luke Rockhold

Luke Rockhold doesn’t have a nickname; how? How has this been allowed to happen? Jesus Christ the man is a walking meme. Luke”I don’t know what to do with my hands” Rockhold, Luke “Not your average bloke” Rockhold, Luke “Conceive, Believe, Achieve” Rockhold, Luke “I’m a fucking samurai” Rockhold, take your Goddamn pick people.

Holly Holm

If Michael Chiesa is an easy target, then Jon Jones is the broad side of a barn and I’m standing half a meter away from it with a flamethrower. I’m lazy, but I’m not lazy. “The Preacher’s Daughter” is a much more interesting choice. At first glance I liked her current nickname. Upon further consideration however, it’s inadequate. She is literally the daughter of a preacher. OK, so what? How does that help her in unarmed combat? My Mum is a funeral director. I don’t go around calling myself “The funeral director’s son”. That’s not going to trick you into thinking I’m actually a good writer.

I’ve always been a fan of ironic nicknames. Brad Pickett used to go around calling himself “One Punch”. A quick glance at the man’s record will tell you nary a single one punch KO to his name. So, henceforth, Holm will be known as Holly “Last Chance” Holm. Let’s see if she can make the most of what I’m sure will be her last shot at UFC gold.