So, you just got choked out… Well, maybe you didn’t, but I did, or so I’m told. Recently, ya boy got put to sleep by an apparent cross collar choke in a gi jiu jitsu class. It went like this:

Step 1: “I should worry about that collar grip.” Step 2: “My dick hurts.” Step 3: “What do you mean I went to sleep.”

I’m sure you have questions about that second part; don’t worry, Lloyd Irvin is not my jiu jitsu instructor. I’ll break it down for you. I was rolling with my training partner, we’ll call him “Kevin” – not for legal reasons, I just don’t want to give him the ego boost. I ended up in his butterfly guard. Instead of disengaging like I perhaps should have, I resolved to pass. I fought off his collar grip a couple of times, but eventually he got it, then his foot started pressing into Rumble (that’s the name of my penis – figure it out for yourself), then I remember thinking “I should probably be paying attention, I’m sparring”, then my coach’s face was hovering over me.

I’d love to tell you it was a profound experience, that I peered through the fragile veil of existence and gazed upon my true self, then returned to this mortal coil possessed with knowledge of my ultimate path, but I just kind of felt like I’d been caught wanking. Yeah, it’s normal, everyone does it, but you could have knocked. I’m informed my coach, and everyone else in the room, was alerted to my state of unconscious because I was snoring like a fucking parked bus. Getting put to sleep is not like it is in the movies unfortunately. This all happened in the span of about eight seconds.

As for why I didn’t tap, I couldn’t tell you. I have no idea. I still don’t remember. “Kevin” apologised, but of course it’s not his fault. All the times he’s elbowed me and farted on me? That is his fault, and he never apologises for that. Keviiiiiin!

I wasn’t allowed to spar the rest of class, which I took in like I was attending a drive in cinema. Seriously, I felt like I was watching a film instead of actually being in the room. Throw in a headache and sudden sleepiness and I can confidently tell you auto-erotic asphyxiation is not for me, not that I wasn’t sure already.

If you were thinking of trying it out – and we all have, let’s be honest – don’t bother. You’ll feel like a bit of a dick, you’ll make your partner feel bad and you’ll miss out on sparring. Tap kids; tap hard and tap often.