The News

The Insane Demands Of Bareknuckle Face-Punching

Here at StipeTapped.com we have a pretty well developed espionage department. Well, I say well developed, it’s just me and my dog Rupert and we kind of follow people some times. Rupert is pretty easily distracted so we rarely actually get anything done. Actually, it’s me, I”m the distracted one. I need to stop blaming my problems on others… That’s why Sarah left. What? What was I talking about?

Right, so, somehow, some way, we got a hold of a memo that was floating around the Bare Knuckle Fighting Championship (BKFC) offices. During the Lobov vs Knight card, promoter David Feldman made the ingenious business decision to cut a fighter’s contracted pay in half because the fighters didn’t risk actual death during his fight. Rumours have it publishers were clogging Feldman’s inbox begging for a sequel to The Art of Deal.

Feldman clearly realised his mistake by revealing this to the public, and made sure to keep his shrewd cost cutting methods in his inner circle. He didn’t know that we’d get a hold of this memo though. So, I present to you the BKFC policies on fighter pay moving forward.

To: All Staff and Interns From: David Feldman, Bare Knuckle God Date: April 15th, 2019 Subject: Punitive measures, also the staff room fridge but that’s secondary and not the main point but I want to talk about it before it gets out of hand, again.

Our recent event was an unmitigated success. Artem Lobov won and we’ve got big business to look forward to in the form of Lobov vs all time boxing great Paulie Malignaggi. Then we can book Paulie Malignaggi vs Conor McGregor with all that spare cash we have. (Thanks for the donations; your kids didn’t really need to go to university anyway).

As you may remember, after the Rusty Crowder/Reggie Barnett fight I announced Crowder would have his purse cut in half due to his refusal to give his soul to the Bare Knuckle God, AKA Me. Just as you, my minions loyal staff, were confounded by this, I was perplexed at the reaction. You threaten to withhold someone’s contracted pay for not sacrificing their body to appease your bloodlust and all of a sudden you’re Skeletor. I am truly baffled by this snowflake generation that we occupy,

You may be wondering where I am going with this, but fear not, I am not here to backtrack. While we had to pay Crowder because he would go round “telling people” and “suing us”, we can still ensure supreme violence moving forward using more covert methods.

I’m thinking pets; during fight week, maybe a pet goes missing. If the fighter does their due diligence and risks their life for the sake of my violence boner, then maybe the pet shows up on Monday happy and healthy. If not, well, maybe if shows up not so happy and healthy. (My intern Stefan is concerned some of you won’t read between the lines so he will be coming around the office at some point in the week with hand written notes which you will read and then consume.

If they don’t have a pet, perhaps a distant relative goes missing. Not someone they are particularly close to, someone they maybe see once a year. They don’t think of them very often, but they’re always happy to see them and enjoy their company.

We are currently constructing a holding facility for these “guests” in an offshore location. Only a few of you will be privy to this location. (Again, Stefan will be round with notes to be consumed.) (Edit: I’ve been informed I cannot legally command you to eat paper. However, if you return home to find a pet gone missing, that’s on you.)

That should do it for today. In regards to the staff room fridge; next time you’re settling a dispute over a sandwich the way God intended: with a bare knuckle brawl, please record it and email it to Stefan ASAP. My soul requires sustenance in between events.

Thank you for your cooperation, long live the knuckle.

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