MMA May Cry: Acquiring The Souls Of Your Victim

Imagine an androgynous twenty something male with extravagant hair and a ludicrous jacket. They’re about to do bloody battle with a thickly muscled monster covered in cheap tattoos. That’s right, I’m talking about Devil May Cry. Oh, you thought I was talking about Pride? Hmm, it’s as if I’ve crafted this opening paragraph as a means to crudely weld together the subjects of MMA and DMC. Imagine that.

Alright, less of this bollocks; you know what Stipe Tapped is all about, so lets pretend we had the ability to defeat some fighters in combat and acquire their very souls as some kind of divine weapon. Nothing but the important issues on this intellectually inept corner of the inter-web.

Khabib Nurmagomedov – Pillow

“A pillow is hardly threatening” you may be thinking. Well, imagine that pillow being held over your face by a bear or gorilla or some kind of bear/gorilla chimera, and the pillow is made of razor blades and Eastern European rage. Not the way I would choose to go. (The way I would choose to go would likely involve Holly Holm and a crate of candy floss, but this is neither the time nor place.)

Edson Barboza – Catherine Wheel

Barboza is easily the undisputed king of spinning shit; the man simply cannot stop spinning so help him God. As such, his soul would fit right into a Catherine wheel. We could attach ice skates to the wheel, and Edson could just spin to his little hearts content. This one is as much a cool weapon idea as it is just a way to make Edson happy.


Anthony Pettis – Snooker Ball

Anthony Pettis tends to struggle when he is crowded, so imagine if he was a tiny snooker ball, but he retained all his current power relative to his size. Remember that bit in Dragon Ball Z when Buu turns Vegito into a sweet and Vegito still beats him up, it would be like that. (If you haven’t seen DBZ just accept that little anime factoid and move past it). Pettis can do all his ricocheting stuff then, bouncing around the octagon like it’s going out of style. We’ll have just paint those chest tattoos onto the ball.

Ryan Hall – Bear Trap

Ryan Hall was born to be upside down and to be ensnaring legs. I heard a story once, that on his off days he just waits under random piers and grabs at the feet that come past – an intervention may actually be required for this. But, this would make him an excellent bear trap. With some added mobility and some kind of vacuum function he’ll be the worlds pre-eminent leg killer. Suck it Danaher Death Squad.

***This motherfucker is soon to be caught***

Kelvin Gastelum – High Cholesterol

Kelvin “The Silent Killer” Gastelum is feared by middle-aged men all across the world. He becomes an invisible mist sneaking into the blood vessels of his enemies. The Gastelum would be an ability you used at the start of a boss battle to chip away at the bosses health while you fought them. Not a bad little weapon in your back pocket for the more conservative and patient player.

Aleksei Oleinik – Those Things That Tighten Around the Neck

You know the things I’m talking about. Pest control people use them to wrangle animals. You’ve almost definitely seen it on an animal documentaries; some backwoods guy in khakis and a backwards baseball cap in Florida dragging an alligator back to a van. He probably fucks those animals. I think they used them on the Walking Dead a few times with the zombies. Terrible TV show. Anyway, Aleksei Oleinik is one of those things.

Yoel Romero – Boeing AH-64 Apache Attack Helicopter

Death from the sky – just death in general. Yoel Romero is the scariest man to ever walk the face of this huge lump of rocky mass we call earth. If I came home and found Yoel Romero in bed with my girlfriend I would drop to my knees and beg for forgiveness. Imagine a massive attack helicopter with Yoel’s face emblazoned on the front, Thomas the Tank Engine style, blaring his many sound bites over the battle field. You wouldn’t even have to fire his weapons.