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Unwrapped? What was GSP Hiding on that Cold Montreal Night in 2013?

The year is 2013, the month March, the day is a Saturday, the location is Montreal, Quebec Canada, at the Bell Centre to be exact. The UFC have arrived in town, and that means one thing: Georges St-Pierre is about to defend his long held welterweight title. This is a 2013 voyage that I’m taking you on, this is a journey, a passage back in time, an adventure of discover, a venture into the very soul and biological makeup of MMAs own – George ‘Rush’ St. Pierre.

Back at UFC 158 Georges St-Pierre took on Stockton’s favourite son (I called the office of the city clerk and they confirmed that while there are no official records of Diaz’ appointment as Stockton’s favourite son, he would be a heavy favourite were they to undertake such a selection).

After weeks of typical Diaz-esque trash talk and shenanigans they were set to throw fight fists in the main event. However, a wrench in the shape of a Jake Shields tweet looked to lodge itself in the works.

Jake Shields, ever the impartial observant, was apparently prevented from thoroughly checking George’s hand-wraps. A simple procedure, just a little check, that’s all, but nope. The scrap-pack smelt a rat and weren’t to rest until it was hunted down, fleshed and heel hooked. Well what could those crafty Tristar snakes have been hiding against the perfect milky skin that is George St-Pierre’s hands? I have a few ideas.

Archaeological Findings:

Georges St-Pierre is a noted bone fiend… Dinosaur bones that is. He has talked about his love of fossils and prehistoric lizards on numerous occasions, and apparently spent time during his exodus from the sport on a secret government force exploring the earth’s crust to find out what exactly happened to the dinosaurs. Well, he didn’t say that explicitly, but he has talked about fossil hunting during his hiatus, and I think we all know what the famously taciturn Canadian is hinting at.

He can’t let those secrets get out, and where is the best place to store such sensitive material? Well, on his person at all times of course. And yes, I know the timelines don’t match up because the Diaz fight was before his time off, but if subterranean exploration and dinosaurs are in play, I think it’s safe to say time travel is involved.

Glue

Somewhat less fantastical than our last entry, but certainly far more unnerving for MMA fans. In the latter stages of his career GSP gained a penchant for lying on top of fools. Their miraculous inability to get the shaved chimp off of them could be down to his insanely great grappling skill; definitely a possibility. Or, it could be adhesive based.

If you’ve ever watched St-Pierre fight, you may have noticed he frequently slaps his hands together. Why is this? I didn’t used to know, until now… maybe. He is slapping his hands together to smash the vials of glue concealed in his hand wraps. How else would you explain high level black belts like Nick Diaz and BJ Penn being incapable of peeling “Rush” off of them? Occam’s Razor folks, occam’s razor.

Sticky hands ???

Keys to the Dark Place

Can we really fault Georges for this one. Where is he supposed to leave these sacred artefacts? With Zahabi? As close as him and Firas are, St-Pierre knows of the dark temptation thats locked deep in the hearts of men, as the dark place has taught him. His dark place keys are safe nowhere, so he must bear this cross at all times, even in the octagon.

Stock Market Tips

Upon his return to MMA in 2017, GSP had a rather bizarre fascination with the stock market. We will never truly know what GSP was doing during his temporary retirement, and if he wasn’t digging into the earth to fight dinosaurs (which he definitely was) then perhaps he left to devote his time to the subtle ways of the stock market. Having an obsessive personality, this wasn’t simply going to go away when he returned to the octagon and it spilled out in the form of metaphors.

During a press conference in March, 2017 to promote Bisping vs St-Pierre, “Rush” had this to say, “fighting is like the stock market, some guys, sometimes their stock is high, some guy (sic) their stock is low and it’s a question of timing”. He was oddly incessant in his analogies and if it wasn’t for Michael Bisping’s rampant alcoholism GSP would have given the game away entirely. Bisping constantly cut him off, and according to attendees, Georges, coming out of his trance like stock broker state, could be seen wiping his brow and mouthing “phew”.

PHOTO EVIDENCE #293720372

I believe this, dare I say; rain man-esque passion for stocks could have been in its nascent stages all the way back in 2013, and GSP simply couldn’t go a moment without studying for his eventual transition to Wall Street, even during a fight.

Hands

I know what you’re thinking, “yes, obviously his hands were in his hand wraps. That’s what hand wraps are for, to wrap hands. What else would they be for? This article is shit. I’m leaving”. Well, yes, this article is shit, but don’t leave just yet. This could be an illuminating peak into the very heart of the G.O.A.T.

Reading This Article Like…

Being a Canadian with a fastidious approach to civility, GSP surely has misgivings about his violent profession. I propose that in an anxiety induced, blind moral panic, Georges St-Pierre completely forgot that punching is legal in the sport of MMA. He didn’t want Jake Shields to see that he was in fact planning on punching his teammate Nick Diaz directly in his face and instructed his team to deny the scrap-pack stalwart entry to his locker room.

His team, used to this sort of behaviour, obliged, knowing it was the only way to keep GSP from shutting down and completely refusing to throw any strikes in the fight. Naturally, this kind of information would be extremely beneficial to the scrap-pack, and Firas Zahabi simply had to stonewall Shields. Poor Georges, no wonder he had to stop fighting. He just couldn’t deal with inflicting grievous bodily harm on others, in return for money.

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