As another week of human cockfighting passes us by, we decided to look forward to the future. To attempt to peer into our glass ball and predict the events of UFC 234 using zero logic or facts. The StipeTapped secret underground world headquarters have compiled our staff picks below.

Ciro Crispino:

Jim Crute = UFC Embedded have been focusing on him and it seems like they have inside info. (Or maybe they have no one else to film).

Nadia Kassem = via ethnic ambiguity.

Rani Yahya = I like Jiu Jitsu.

StyleBender = Do I really need to explain?

Whittaker = He spent 50 minutes fighting an actual meat tornado and not only survived but won.

Derek Hall:

Sam Alvey = He’s all smiles

Montana De La Rosa = Montana is the name of my favourite gangster

Yahya = His name is too fun to say

Silva = We all know that nothing would be more hilarious than Silva fighting for a title in 2019

Gastelum = Because I too like burritos Doritos and Tostitos

Tom Kilmister:

Jim Crute = Because of such a Viking ass sounding last name

Montana De Le Rosa = Honestly just an estimated guess at this point

Ricky Simon = I want him to become a bigger name in his division

Israel = I’m hoping he dominates so we can see his beautiful taunting

Kelvin = He was the better coach on TUF

Casey J. Bach:

Montana de la Rosa & Crute = When in doubt pick the chalk

Ricky Simon = Just because I’m hoping to see a fun new name at bantamweight

Israel = Easy pick, but I could see Silva slowing this down to a boring decision

Kelvin = Not sure he’ll actually win but I think his boxing gives Rob more trouble than people predict